An observation offers only the surface view—
like a clear stream that appears shallow
until you step in and feel the depth beneath.
The illusion seems truthful,
but everything changes once you step in.
We hired an advocate to observe Jake at school because everything was unraveling—at school, and especially at home.
All the signs were flashing.
We were overwhelmed. Out of options.
Public school no longer fit.
We didn’t know what came next.
We only knew something had to change.
This observation was our first step toward understanding what Jake was truly experiencing.
Below is the formal report. I invite you to read it.
Then keep reading.
Because the why behind this report—the part no observation could ever capture—matters even more.
We fail to see through, at times.
There is always room for understanding.
(Names have been changed for privacy)
Jake
Elementary School
Grade 5
6-11-19
Lunch – Reading
Principal observed with me (Ms. Lane)
12:40 – Lunch
The secretary escorted me to the room where Jake was eating lunch. She told me he had a rough morning, so he wasn’t eating in the cafeteria.
Jake was eating lunch in the classroom with Principal and his additional adult Ms. Carter. The two ladies ate their lunch while also talking to Jake. Talked about the Principal’s dog, the play this evening and movies. Jake mostly answered with a yes or no. His aide asked if he was thirsty? He nodded his head no.
12:47 – Looked at his schedule which was recess next. She asked what he wanted to play outside. He mentioned ball. She asked if he had to come inside, who do you want to come with you? He said Mason and Ava. She asked him where he should go if he needed a break? He said Ms. Reynolds’ room (Special Education Teacher). His aide told him to finish his fish sticks and then he could go outside. He got very silly during this time. They were able to redirect him. He cleaned up his trash. He tried to Ziplock his goldfish bag and couldn’t line it up. He voiced – “I need help please,” and the principal helped him. He burped. She said, “What do you say?” He said, “Excuse me.” They cleaned the table and then went outside.
12:51 – Recess – outdoors
Passed by cafeteria which was extremely loud. Ms. Carter walked him outside. He transitioned before the students were released from the cafeteria. She had him put his stuff on the table and then he walked to the swing set. Two kids waved to him as they lined up to go inside. He ignored them. The entire 5th grade came out to play for recess. They were all in green t-shirts (not Jake). Jake and Ms. Carter swung together. The other students came out. Another student came over and said something to Jake. The principal said this is a student who engages him a lot. He finished swinging after 2 minutes and walked with this other student. Jake kept to himself and walked back to the table. The other student asked him if he was ok? Jake said yes. He sat down on the bench next to me.
Principal – “Do you want to play?” Jake said no.
Ms. Carter – “Do you want your sunglasses?” He said yes. His aide put them on him.
12:59 – Jake continued sitting on the bench. Asked him if he wanted to swing again – he said no. He watched the kids play. Principal reminded him it was ok if he wanted to change his mind. She asked him a few minutes later if he wanted to play and he said no.
1:01 – Jake sat on the bench with Ms. Carter and the Principal.
1:02 – The same student came over and gave him a thumbs up. He asked Jake if he would be going to the concert tonight. Jake said yes. Jake sat and watched the students play kickball. Someone sneezed and he said “bless you.” He continued watching the kickball game. Didn’t say much, when the aide clapped, he clapped.
1:05 – Jake bounced up and down (appeared excitedly).
1:07 – The student came over and asked Jake if he liked Charlie Brown. He said yes. He asked if he had strawberries for lunch. He said yes. Asked him what kind of animal he would be? He said lion. Aide asked why he wanted to be a lion (couldn’t hear his answer). The student went back to kickball. Jake continued watching kickball. He laughed when the ball went over to Ms. Lane.
1:09 – Continued watching kickball with Ms. Carter next to him. Ms. Lane walked around the playground and helped the kids with the rules of kickball.
1:13 – Still outside watching kickball. Ms. Carter told him 5 minutes left. Another teacher came out, touched him on the shoulder and said “show me money.” No response.
1:16 – The boy came over and asked Jake if he wanted to stand on the sidelines with him and cheer with him. Jake got up and went with him. He kept his sunglasses on. The boy continued to ask him questions. Jake nodded his head. He then sat down on the blacktop and watched the game from there. The students walked around him as they continued to play dodgeball.
1:21 – Whistle blew and the students lined up. Jake didn’t move. The student sat down next to Jake. Ms. Carter walked over to Jake and then came back to the table. He didn’t follow. She got his bags and walked back over to Jake (who was still sitting on the blacktop). She opened the blue bag and gave him a fidget. The other student went back to the table to get his communication book. Ms. Carter opened the communication book.
1:26 – Wouldn’t move. Tried to get him to say how he feels. No response. Ms. Carter gave him a 5-minute timer. Told him kids were coming out and they are noisy. He didn’t move. He rolled his stress ball away. Ms. Carter told him the adults took it inside. Asked Ms. Carter to text Ms. Reynolds. Aide did that. I told her we are on the playground. Still wouldn’t move. Timer went off and he said “WAIT.”
1:31 – He got up and walked to the bench. Sat down. Tried to get him inside. Ms. Reynolds came out and showed him his agenda of what they would be doing this afternoon. He looked at the information presented.
1:32 – Asked if he would go inside and take a break? No response. Asked if he wanted a drink of water? He turned away. Ms. Reynolds asked for the timer. They said they had already used it once. He turned away. She set the timer for 3 minutes. Then told him they would stand up and walk inside.
1:33 – Meanwhile, Ms. Reynolds pointed out some of the kindergarteners to Jake (to try and redirect him). He sat and watched the kindergarteners play dodgeball. She told Jake she needed to remind his mom about his 5th grade shirt and the musical agenda. She gave him a 1-minute transition warning. He continued watching the dodgeball game.
1:35 – The timer went off. “Stand up and let’s go to the science room.” Ms. Reynolds and Ms. Carter stood up. She told him to grab his Pod. Reminded him to get his Pod. He rolled Ms. Reynolds inside. Everyone slowly walked back to Ms. Reynolds’ class.
1:39 – Jake arrived back in the class. He sat on the beanbag chair with a weighted blanket. They gave him another stress ball and set the timer for a break. Ms. Reynolds said when his break was over they would talk. He sat on the beanbag as best as possible (he is a big guy and didn’t completely fit). He hummed while he sat there. Ms. Reynolds and Ms. Carter prepared materials.
1:43 – Ms. Carter left. Jake said “I will see you later Ms. Carter.” She explained she wouldn’t see him later today but would see him tomorrow. She wouldn’t be there tonight (but Ms. Reynolds said she would be there tonight). They sang the goodbye song to Ms. Carter. He joined in while sitting on the beanbag.
1:45 – Timer went off. “Let’s talk.”
Ms. Reynolds: “You were at recess, being a spectator and what happened?”
Jake: no response
Ms. R: “Your pod is open if you want to tell me how you felt.”
Jake: no response
Ms. R repeated: “I was at recess being a spectator. I felt _________?”
Jake: no response
Jake whispered something: “upset.”
Ms. Reynolds: “I felt upset because _________?”
Jake: no response for a minute.
Ms. Lane: “I don’t know what he was upset about either?”
Ms. Reynolds: “I was at recess being a spectator, I felt upset because _________?”
Jake: laid on beanbag chair. No response.
Ms. Reynolds: “Do you remember what made you upset?”
Jake: “Yes.”
Ms. Reynolds: “Ok. What?”
Jake: very quietly whispered. She read him the sentence again and showed it to him as well.
Jake: moaned
Ms. Lane: “Were you upset because recess ended?”
Jake: “Yes.”
Ms. Reynolds: “Ok – what happened after that? Did Ms. Carter give you a break?”
Jake: “Yes.”
Ms. Reynolds: “Then what happened after that?”
Jake: “Mason.”
Ms. Reynolds: “Mason came over to help me line up. Ok. What next?”
Ms. Lane: “We sent Ms. Reynolds a text.”
Jake: nodded.
Ms. Reynolds: “I came down.”
Jake: nodded.
Ms. Reynolds: “Then I showed you your agenda and gave you a 3-minute break. Then you got right up and walked back to the classroom.” She continued writing all these details. He laid on the beanbag.
1:50 – She read the whole story to him. He listened. She told him it was 1:51 and they had 20 minutes left of school today (Jake until nighttime). She explained he would go home and eat dinner before coming back for the musical tonight.
1:51 – Told him Sentence Brain Pop, sentence sort and labeling. Then communication log, listening to music (hip hop) and then it will be time to go.
1:52 – “Ready for Brain Pop?” Jake said yes. He sat up and went to the table. He said the names on Brain Pop are Tim and Moby. He watched the Brain Pop video on sentences. Ms. Reynolds showed him the video and stopped it often so he could answer. He appeared very motivated by the video.
1:55 – He told Moby and Annie goodbye and followed Ms. Reynolds to the table. She went over telling, asking and yelling sentences and had him read the examples. He read the three sentences.
“Where will you go this summer?” What kind of sentence is that? He said “telling.” Then “asking.”
“Oh no. You fell down.” He said “yelling.”
“I am getting a puppy!” He said “telling.” She re-read it excitedly and he said “yelling.”
“Are you ok?” Asking question.
3 minutes of work.
1:58 – “What’s after sentence sort?” She had him get a marker and eraser. He did.
“Do you want to do books or birds first?” He said books. She read the sentences.
“I see the bird.”
“Do you see it?”
“I love my bird!”
“What color is it?”
Jake labeled all the sentences correctly.
2:01 – Ms. Reynolds: “What am I going to say when you do all these on your own?” He mimicked them.
“Get my bike!”
“My bike is fun.”
“Did you see my bike?”
“I can go.”
Jake got 3/4 correct!
“Tell me the three names of sentences we worked on today.” Jake: “Telling, asking and yelling.”
“Great job. Erase the board.”
“Where do these two things go?” Marker and eraser. He slowly got up and put his stuff away.
2:02 – That was the end of the academics – Total time of work: 11 minutes (for the entire 1.5 hrs of observation).
2:03 – “You need to follow your end of the checklist.” He went over and got his folders, book independently. He brought them back to the table. She had him file a paper in his folder.
Went through his communication checklist.
“My behavior today was_____.” Jake said “fabulous.” She said he used a lot of strategies today and circled the middle face.
“Highlights of my day?” He said “singing and dancing on the stage.”
“Anything else you want to say?” Jake and Ms. Carter went outside for recess.
Went over who was coming to the event tonight to the show.
That’s it. Jake said he was happy. They talked about how excited his mom will be tonight.
3–4 minutes to listen to Kidz Bop. He went to earn his reward.
2:10 – The observation ended
*******************************
The observation was over.
The report could now be written.
The boxes checked.
Another chair pulled up to offer professional well-meaning, and subjective advice at an already-warmed IEP table.
What they couldn’t see was the rest of the day.
The stress I carried as I left work early.
The hour-long drive home while on the phone with my daughter, trying to coach her through a full-blown meltdown in motion—one I hadn’t prepared her for.
It was far too much for her shoulders.
And a far too familiar weight for ours.
Best intentions, burning out against a fire too large for any of us to control.
These are the hidden stacks autism families carry. We carry it too well.
And then—there was Jake.
He carried the weight most of all.
Hours later, his face still flushed from crying, Jake finally found the words.
Whispered. Cracked. Hurting…
“I didn’t have on my green shirt.”
The special fifth grade shirt.
Sent home a few weeks before, meant to be worn on the day of the performance.
A celebration of belonging. Of moving on. Of being part of something.
No one told me.
There was no note. No reminder.
I had already planned for him to wear it on the last day of school, the day before summer.
But this—this was the day that mattered.
And Jake stood out again.
And he was being observed. He was different. The only fifth grader without the shirt.
I wish someone had called.
I wish someone had a spare.
I wish I had known.
Something so small to others.
Everything to him.
This was never just about a shirt.
It was about the quiet, compounding ways kids like Jake are left out…overlooked not out of malice, but out of systemic assumptions that miss the nuance of their needs. It was about how easily we, as parents and advocates, can be stretched so thin that even with our best efforts, something still gets missed.
And it was about how the systems meant to support often rely on observations, checklists, and brief snapshots. Never quite capturing the full truth beneath.
When we only see the surface, we risk misunderstanding the whole child.
When we only measure behavior, we miss the emotion driving it.
When we focus on fitting in, we miss the chance to create true belonging.
Jake deserved better that day. So do so many others.
So, I share this not for pity but for perspective.
For the educators, administrators, and decision-makers who hold real power to shift the lens.
For the parents feeling unseen in their efforts to hold it all together.
And most of all, for the Jakes—who often can’t find the words,
but carry the weight of it all from the very start.
Now, I ask you to go back and read the observation again.
But this time, read it through Jake’s eyes.
The eyes that watched everyone else in matching green.
The eyes that knew he didn’t belong, again.
The eyes that held the big feelings in all day.
This is the depth beneath the surface.
This is what the observation could not see.
The meaning becomes less about the observation and more the understanding.
There is always room to see through.
