Let’s talk about siblings.
Not always in the spotlight, nor always acknowledged for holding what is heavy. The journey of the sibling runs wide like ocean waves. It deserves to be acknowledged, commended, and talked about frequently.
To have early expectations of deep from within empathy. To compromise. To wait for her friend to sign up first. We needed their parents to attend. To decide which one of your parents should be invited to your school show. To wait your turn for the full attention. To anticipate the unpredictable moods. To choose something else instead. The missing out on big vacations we never could imagine taking. We chose the quiet ones instead. The adult responsibilities held in her little hands. We tried so hard to shield. The still growing, the bittersweet sacrifice, and the learned compassion left to withstand.
There were moments we had to turn back around on our way out to lunch. When the meltdowns were more than over escalating. There were times when separating into two pairs felt more normal than four. And just to experience the everyday things. The times in the years before she too had to remember the words that may trigger. The times when she tried to hide her tears. To wait to talk to us in a different room. The times she chose to walk away. And the times she chose to stay. She was hand in hand with the knots we had to untangle all along. She was there as we untied them. She was an intricate part of the healing. The key to the unraveling. She held a tight grip on the ropes too. We never meant to cause callouses on her hands. We meant to hold it all. For us. For her. For him.
At the same time there is so much good to celebrate. The good is easy to recognize. Jake and his sister have grown up bonded in a way that is rooted from authentic connection. They have nicknames for each other, inside jokes, and creative music playlists. She takes him on long rides in the car just to play their music. He maps out their route each time. She watches his game shows and laughs at all his jokes. Jake celebrates her equally. He catches up on her shows. There is nothing more magical than the way they connect. How they seem to help each other. Reassure each other. How she just “gets him” and how she always “Just knows.”
Coregulation is a masterpiece. Especially in the autism world. Coregulation is built within the relationships and genuine connections which foster authenticity. It is more about trust than the core of the systems and services they provide. It is about the power of connection. Siblings coregulate by nature. In the back seat of cars on family rides. Sitting at the table waiting for dinner. Sitting on the couch with lots of pillows. Playing in the same play tent they shared as a gift. The pairings may sail by unnoticed as monumental. When in fact there in nothing more important. Gratitude fills the room and all around.
Then there is acceptance. Acceptance is pinnacle. Jake and his sister have benefited from the full circle of acceptance they provide for each other. Jake’s sister has learned the beauty of finding the good in others. In honoring differences. In appreciating all the moments. No matter how small. As for Jake, he has learned to shift. To accept the unexpected moments. To communicate the right way with a friend. To be treated like her brother.
The art is found in what is priceless. What is planted from the root. What is cared for and treasured. What is watered under the sun. The amazing sibling of a child with autism is talked about less often. Their recognition is more than worthy. It is golden. It is one in a million.
The waves wash along the shore effortlessly. The shore would just not be the same without them.
