Start again.
Even if starting point is not quite the same.
Kicked up dust from overlapping footprints.
The start is covered with do not enter gates and dead ends.
We put them there ourselves.
Boundaries set in stone like large boulders in a current.
We know better now.
We are back at the start just the same.

This is the starting point many parents of children with autism default back to time and time again without fail.
There is no giving up. Giving up is not an option.

I rolled my eyes at the thought of trying yet another way.
What was the boost Jake needed to grow?
Where was the authenticity?
What is the next step?
I struggled to find it.

We had a meeting set up with a job skills program geared towards teens with disabilities.
Something new. A new direction to follow. A chance to gain priceless social interactions.
The catch? Jake would have to attend the first virtual meeting willingly.
He would have to want these skills himself. Self-motivation was paramount.

My plan was to spark Jake’s interest in jobs by highlighting a different job each day.
It would be posted on Jake’s home school calendar.
I explained the upcoming job skills virtual meeting as part of our learning about jobs theme.
I was doing my best to not hover in the worry of Jake’s possible reactions.
It was important to motivate and just let it go.

I at least felt like we had a good plan.
Nothing would be unexpected.
A dry erase marker printed the job skills we would focus on each day.
Jake chose “working at a restaurant” for day one.

I then tried to incorporate movement.
Bouncing on big yoga balls and hand weights.
It wasn’t nearly enough.

Jake needed interactions.
He needed friends.
He needed the kind of growth only the world could give him.

The frustration rose in, like the promise of a morning sky.
The “how did we get here” thoughts.
The kicking ourselves for the missed one last big push.
The timing of it all.

The services we fought to gain.
How we shut those same services down.
Trusting our intuition.
And the peace we would never trade.

I thought more about change.
More about how to change the view.

The question lingered from insightful perception.
We could change Jake’s view if we could change Jake’s surroundings.
We could first start with Jake.

Jake’s room was filled with sports posters covering dents and damaged drywall from the years that came before.
Jake had come so enormously far since those times.
The times when the words were too hard to salvage.
When his expression struggled to find the right emotions.
When dysregulation brought down the walls.

We fell hard to our knees.
The walls were the least of our worries.
Words fail to describe the complexity of the family journey.
We were hand in hand with the front row seats.

We took down the posters one by one.
We prepped Jake’s room for change.

He would not go inside to pick out paint swatches.
So, I did the next best thing and brought the swatches to him.

The color New Age Blue was his first choice.
A bright blue mixed with cool purple tones.
A bright deep shade of blue to start again.
To change the view.

We hired a painter to fix the drywall and paint the walls with Jake’s selected paint, New Age Blue.
And on the Friday after the first day of spring, we started again with the fresh new walls.
A different view.

Nothing forced, nothing anticipated.
Nothing that required twisting or heavy decisions.

The new paint was the start we needed as the good stacked on the good.
Jake’s meeting with the job skills coordinator went smoothly.
He at least agreed to participate.

They talked genuine talk.
They talked introductions.
They even talked about opportunities at a bakery.
They talked about bread and cake.
They talked even more.

I noticed the stars in the sky that night when I stepped out to walk my dog.
I noticed them even more.
They were bright.
Not a cloud in sight.

I asked Jake to walk with me outside.
He looked up with big wide eyes.

We walked back inside to the start of Jeopardy on the game show channel
and our nightly routines of cheering.
Laughing.
Side by side.

How could we ask for more?
It was perfection.

There is gratefulness in so much more than words can say.
Never give up.
The stars can align.

A new start and a fresh coat of paint.